


For Phil

by TransAlex23



Category: Dil - Fandom, Phan, dan and phil
Genre: Anorexia, Anxiety, Blasphemous Language, Chaptered, Coma, Depression, Eating Disorders, Fluff, Gay, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mention of Rape/Non-con, Self-Harm, Swearing, Violence, annoying authors notes, crude language, gay slurs, only mentions there's nothing graphic I prommise, pastel!dan, possibly incorrect portrayal of hospital, punk!phil
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-03
Updated: 2017-03-04
Packaged: 2018-09-28 04:18:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 11
Words: 18,152
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10071164
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TransAlex23/pseuds/TransAlex23
Summary: Dan, a quiet teenage boy that doesn't think he has much to live for quite literally runs into the punk Phil Lester. After a few unfortunate encounters, Phil might just be the best friend Dan has ever had. But after some unfortunate events, will Phil lose him? Or will Dan have to fight hard to keep him.





	1. Chapter One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See the end of the chapter for notes :)

Black. It was consuming everything around me. I was turning around, looking every which way but say nothing but a black obeys all around me. Falling to the ground, my breath getting shorter, more sporadic. The black was consuming the oxygen, my lungs screaming for it to give it back. I needed air, not the black smoke surrounding me. I tried to stand, but the ground disappeared. I was falling further into the black, unable to stop or escape. With nothing but black in my lungs I was unable to scream. I shut my eyes, trying to find a way out. And then I made contact with the softest material I've ever felt. I'd fallen onto something, opening my eyes to see it was a pure white, completely untouched like newly fallen snow. I looked around, seeing the entire ground was the same fluffy white material. I felt like I was on the clouds. The sky was the most beautiful blue, fading into a darker shade. Once it was a beautiful night time shade, the stars broke through, shining brighter than I'd ever seen. They were twinkling lights, bright and beautiful in the contrastingly dark sky. I closed my eyes, taking in the pure and relieving air around me. It was cool and refreshing, replenishing my lungs. It was so serene, so relaxing, I felt like I could get lost in it.

 _Beeeep... Beeeeeep... Beeeeeeep... Beeeeeee_ \- click. ( **A/N** OK so when I typed this on a document the font size of last sentence of the first paragraph like got smaller and it looked cool and then the font size of this sentence was supposed to get bigger but like it didn't transfer over to here but anyway I'm sorry to interrupt continue)

I turned over to see the time on the alarm. 6:30. Thirty minutes to get ready. Crawling out of bed and down the hall, I got in the shower. The warm water felt nice falling down my back, waking me up a bit. I closed my eyes for a moment and enjoyed the peace of it. Once I stepped out dried off, I studied my body in the mirror. I've been told I'm pretty scrawny and thin, but I don't see it. There's loads of fat on my stomach, thighs and biceps. My hip bones are still quite hidden, along with my collar bones, and I can't even see my cheekbones. Nonetheless, I pulled on a pair of black skinny jeans, which were a blessing and a curse, as they made me look skinnier but feel fatter. I finished it with an MCR t-shirt and trainers. I finished by straightening my hair, as I looked like a hobbit if I didn't, and looked in the mirror again. The shirt hid the fat on my stomach and arms well enough, and the jeans made my legs look a bit better. Black was meant to be slimming, right? I grabbed my bag and phone and proceeded out the door. Headphones in, volume up, I ignored the world around me. Cars drove past, peopled walked along and talked, but I kept my head down and my music loud. It was a good way to stay isolated, to keep myself away from everyone else. I must have been too caught up in trying not to be seen by anyone that I forgot about them altogether, as I found myself running into someone and landing on my arse. _God dammit, could I just not fuck up for one day?_

"Woah, watch where you're going," I heard someone say. I looked up to see a guy with a haircut similar to mine, but with a blue fringe. He had gauges, snakebites, and I could see a couple tattoos on his arms. He was the definition of a stereotypical punk. He didn't seem too angry that I'd ran into him, just a bit annoyed.

"Y-yeah, I'm sorry..." I said as I stood and quickly ran off, not wanting to associate with anyone more than I needed too. After rushing to school, I slowed once I had made it there. Though it was typical of a teenager, I hated school. Every last bit of it. I hated the teachers, the classes, the homework, the whole shabang. But I think my least favourite part was the students and the way they always pushed me around and beat me up. No matter, I walked in and tried to quickly make it to my locker to dispose of my books. I looked around as I was speed walking down the halls,seeing all of the students either talking to each other, walking to class, or making out. Typical.

At my locker, I dumped the books I didn't need for my classes before lunch and hurried to my homeroom. I safely made it to class without being pummeled into the lockers. That was why I was usually late to classes, as I was always getting beat up and couldn't exactly hurry to class with a bruised side. Either that or I was way early from sprinting down the halls to avoid the beatings.

I was snapped out my seclusion by someone dropping their books on the table, right next to me. I was startled and confused- no one sat with me. Ever. Hesitantly I looked up and saw a familiar set of tattoos and piercings. Then I realized it was the punk I ran into earlier. It wasn't until know I noticed his blue eyes. They were so... beautiful, like the ocean. You could drown in them. I didn't know he was in my homeroom? He was probably here to beat me up since I didn't give him the chance to earlier. I soon realized he was talking.

".... and you just ran off, so I wanted see if you were alright." He was sitting next to me now, one arm resting on the back of the chair. I studied him for a minute, seeing no hint of sarcasm, and nodded.

"Alright then. Must've been in a rush then to have run off, huh?" All I did was nod. He gave me a quizzical look before saying, "what's your name?"

"Dan," I responded meekly, surprised he even heard me.

"Well, Dan, I'm Phil." He said with an outstretched hand. I shook my head- I hated handshakes, or any physical contact with someone I barely knew. "Not one for handshakes? Alright. Though if I'm going to get to know you, you're going to have to contact with me at some point," he said with an almost determined look.

"Get to know me?" I thought, only to realize I had said it out loud.

"Yeah, you know, like a friend? Amigo?" I knew what he meant, just not why. But I didn't have to ask before the teacher walked in and started talking right away. I immediately started talking about the upcoming assembly and other news I didn't care about. That was until she mentioned something about an art show, in which my head shot up and I was caught on every word. She said that anyone was able to enter, and they could create anything they wanted. The only rule was that it had to be school appropriate, and the deadline was on Monday, three weeks from now.

I had a big smile on my face and was quite exciting for the assignment, and Phil must have been able to tell, because he lent over and said, "you must be into art, huh? You seem pretty excited about this art show." It was then that I slowly let my smile fade and sank back into my seat.

"Hey, what's the matter?" He had a slightly concerned but mostly confused look on his face. I shook my head right before I heard the bell for first period ring. Quickly grabbing my bag I jumped from my seat and ran out of the room, avoiding a beating yet again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! How are you? So this is the beginning of my story For Phil. I'm too sure what I think of it and stuff, and I was pretty reluctant to post it, so any feedback would be amazing and much appreciated <3 I hope you are well and safe and happy, you deserve all the happiness in the world <3 Thank you and goodbye! ^-^


	2. Chapter Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes at the end :)

_Hurry, hurry, hurry, before they get to you. They're right behind you, they know where you're going. It's too late to change directions, keep going. Almost the- shit._ I stopped from my mad sprint to see a sign on the boys restroom saying "closed for cleaning" _._ Fuck. It was lunch and I was trying to run into the bathroom so I could avoid the usual bullying during lunch, but it looked like that wouldn't happen today.

"Hey, fag, where do you think you're going? Trying to escape your daily lunch beating?" _Oh no. No. Nowhere to run. Nowhere to hide. They were coming around the corner, it was too late. I was dead._

"Good thing you were trying to skip lunch. You're fat, you don't need to eat. Fat fag, huh?" Before I knew it I was staring at three jocks blocking the hall and any hope of me escaping. With my back against the wall, I watched them step forward. Menacing looks and devilish smirks, they were right in front of me. I felt my breathing get more sporadic and less controlled.

"What's the matter? Too fucking stupid to talk? To fucking weak to defend yourself?" The jocks laughed as their leader glared at me, his smirk plastered on his face, as he pulled his fist back and took a hard blow to my face. I was down, curled up on the floor, trying to process everything. My vision was a bit blurry, I could barely breath, and my face hurt like hell. Then there was a sharp pain in my side. And another. And soon my whole body was aching from the unbearable pain of their feet making contact with my fragile body, unable to even cry out.

"Alright guys, let's go. Howell's had enough for now." They turned to go to lunch as I was left curled up on the floor, silent tears rolling down my bruised cheek. I tried to move, even a little, but any pain caused me to hiss and cry more, collapsing back onto the dirty tile of the school floor. My breathing was still uncontrolled, and I had tears silently pouring out of my eyes. I needed out of here. All I could feel was the pounding in my head and the immense pain coming from my sides. All I could see was the blur of the school hallway, the baigh walls mixing with the greyish white of the floors.

 _Breath, breath, I need to breath._ But I can't. It felt like all the oxygen had been taken from me, and my lungs couldn't get enough. I was face down on the floor, having no strength to push myself up. It was then that I felt a pair of hands grab my shoulders and pull my fragile and limp body pull me up. I couldn't see who they were, or hear what they were saying. I felt dizzy. Too dizzy. My body was being shaken, my mind spinning, my eyelids feeling heavier and heavier. Black. It was all I could see, all I could hear, all I could feel.

"...should be awake sometime soon. He was unconscious when he got here, but it wasn't too bad. He's got a lot of bruises on his sides and a black eye. All in all, he should be okay." It was a male voice speaking. A doctor? Yeah, it had to be a doctor. His voice was calm and I didn't mind hearing it, but I didn't like was he was saying. Black eye? Bruises? Great.

"Thank you," said a female voice. Oh, my mum. Yes, it was my mum. Why would she be here? I struggled to get my body to respond to my wish of opening my eyes, which took quite some difficulty. I was soon able to slowly work my eyes open, being immediately greeted with the brightest light I'd ever seen. It felt like heaven was descending on me, I swear I was going blind. I slowly and painfully turned my head to try to get away from the bright light, being met with a large machine with loads of buttons and wires, emitting the most annoying beeping sound I had ever heard. Looking over a bit, I saw my mum leaning against the wall furthest away from me. I was surprised she was here, she usually didn't care where I was or what I did.

"I don't want to be here, Daniel," there it is. "But since you're underage, you're unable to leave without an adult," she stated bluntly with a not-so-subtle eyeroll. I knew she didn't want to be here. She never wanted anything to do with me. Ever since I was born I was a constant disappointment for her. She had wanted a girl- a child to dress up and do girl things with. But instead she had a "faggot son," as she liked to call me, and a husband that walked out as soon as he saw his son kissing a boy.

"I- "

"I don't want to hear a word from you," she said, almost angrily, before she walked out the door. Yup, gotta love my mum. I probably disturbed her from her evening of drinking and watching some stupid bachelorette show.

"Oh, hello Daniel, I see you're awake. How are you feeling?" The nice male doctor said as he walked into the room, setting himself down on the chair next to the hospital bed.

"Fine," I said, though my whole body ached with an indescribable pain.

"That's good. With how things are going, we should have you out of here soon. The only damage was some bruises and a bit of blood, but nothing major." I nodded at what he said, not too interested. "Right, I'm going to go get your pain meds, and you should be out soon." I nodded again as she left. Pain meds? Those sounded fun. If i needed to I could use them to- my thoughts were interrupted by the creak of the door opening. Looking up, I saw a familiar blue fringe and a set of snakebites.

"Hey, Dan. How're you doing?" All I did was nod. Wasn't he the punk guy I ran into? Phil? What was he doing here? "Good, good. I found you all bruised and beat up, and after a while of me shaking you and not getting an answer, you went unconcious. It's been a few hours, but, I guess you're up now, right?" He gave me a sympathetic but kind smile, in which I attempted to return, but found difficult with my busted lip.

"You don't talk much, do you?" He asked suddenly. "I mean I know you were just unconscious and stuff, but I've only ever heard you say a few words." I contemplated saying something to try to show him off, but my personality and antisocialism got the best of me, and I shook my head no. He chuckled, smirking in a way that made his eyes shine brighter than ever imaginable. "Okay then, Daniel, I guess I'm going to have to spend my entire life trying to have a complete conversation with you," he said with a determined look on his face. That made me let out a small laugh, which made Phil smile more. "Well, that's a start," he said.

We were then interrupted by the nurse, who came in with meds. She asked me if I wanted Phil to leave, to which I first shrugged but then shook my head no. He helped brighten the mood, and it was odd but he made me feel warm and safe.

"Okay, Dan, these are your pain meds. Take twice a day until you feel better. Do not consume with any type of alcohol, and never take more than prescribed." I nodded, though thinking _no promises._ She handed me the pills and told me I was set to leave as soon as my mum signed the papers in the lobby. I had almost forgot Phil was there when I was about to change, but stopped as he was looking straight at me.

"Oh, god, I'm sorry, you probably want to change without me in here," he said, rushing out of the room. I chuckled a bit at how considerate he was, and proceeded to go into the bathroom to change. It was fairly small, with blue and white everywhere, but it would do. I slipped off the hospital gown, being left in just my boxers. I looked in the mirror, seeing my slim figure. Though I could see my profound ribs and collarbones, I knew I could still be skinner. My thighs were fatty, my stomach poked out, and I had no cheekbones. The same problems every time I look in the mirror.

I pulled on some black skinny jeans, then realized I had left my shirt on the hospital bed when I grabbed my clothes. Hesitantly I opened the door, crossing to the bed before hearing the door open. _Shit,_ I thought. In the doorway stood a seemingly baffled and shocked Phil.

"Oh, u-um, I'm really sorry, I just left my phone in here..." he said, crossing over to the bench where his phone sat. I saw no point in returning to the bathroom to put my shirt on, so I simply grabbed it and slipped in on, being stopped by Phil quietly saying, "you're so thin..." he sounded almost disappointed, like it was a bad thing. I finished putting my shirt on before looking at him squarely.

"No I'm not," I responded blankly.

"Dan, I could see your ribs, and hip bones. That's not healthy."

"What does it matter to you," I said, trying to gather my stuff but being delayed by his nagging. "Listen, I appreciate your concern, but I'm fine," I continued, my voice lowering.

"Yeah, okay, I'm sorry," he said. "Anyway, um, I was wondering if you wanted to hang out or something? I mean, you did run into me, literally, and I did practically save your life..." I turned to see him smirking like an idiot, seeming confident that I would say yes. _Oh what the hell,_ I thought as I nodded my head yes. His smile grew as he let me grab my phone and inform my mum of our plans before leading me out the door. As we left the room, he leaned in closer to me and said, "I think I succeeded in getting you to say more than a few words to me." I could practically hear the smirk in his voice as I tried to hide my own smile. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Someone rant to me. How are you doing? What's going on in your life? Is life going good or is it a shitstorm? I hope it's all going good, and if it's not, I promise it will soon. Keep going for yourself and the amazing life you'll have, and if not for you, for your family, friends, the other people on the internet, or for me.. I'm sorry this got so sad and dark all of a sudden... ANYWAY I hope you are well, I love you So much, thank you, and goodbye! ^-^


	3. Chapter Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes at the end of the chapter :)

"Is this alright?" Phil said as we approached a starbucks. I nodded, letting him lead me inside and taking my order before having me sit and wait while he ordered our drinks. I still wasn't quite sure what to think of him. He was definitely attractive... but what am I thinking? That doesn't matter. And it's not like he'd ever want to be with me like that anyway. What are we anyway? Are we friends? Acquaintances? My thoughts were yet again interrupted by the tall punk I had found myself thinking about.

"Here we go," he said as he set out coffees down and slid into the seat across from me.

"Thank you," I said, realizing he'd probably have to have super hearing to hear me as I had spoken so quietly.

"No problem," he said, a permanent smirk glued to his face. "So, tell me about the mysterious Dan Howell that runs to school, gets beat up in the halls, and is shockingly thin?" His words made me do a double take. I had only known him for a day, yet he already knew about me getting beat up and my thin state. I swallowed harshly, my mouth suddenly dry. I couldn't tell him anything else, I couldn't let him know too much about me.

He must have noticed my shocked and nervous state, because the next thing I knew he was waving his hand in my face to get my attention and apologizing.

"Dan? Listen, I'm sorry, that was probably a bit harsh. I've got an awful sense of humor, but I just really want to get to know you more." His eyes were comforting and I felt eased a bit.

"Um, well, like what?" I said with my quiet demeanor.

"Well, what do you do outside of school?" He said with a bigger smile, I guessed because I said more than two words.

"Well, um, I d-draw, I guess..." I said before taking a sip of my drink.

"Woah, cool. Are you any good?" He seemed so interested, but I couldn't tell if it was genuine or not.

"Um, a little.." I had been told my drawings were pretty good, but I don't really take any compliments from my mum or grandma as completely true.

"You should let me sometime," he said with a smirk, implying we would meet again.

"O-okay," I said, realizing I was blushing slightly. Why was I doing that?

"You look cuter when you blush," he said. I was looking down, but I could hear the smirk in his voice. Wait, did he just call me cute? No, he couldn't have.

"Hey," he started. I looked up and he looked like he was contemplating what to say, or if to say anything.

"Yeah?" I said, trying to urge him on.

"Would you rather eat a cat, or fuck a duck?" He said, a grin on his face. I was confused and taken aback, but let out a laugh. He seemed pleased with my laugh, and let out one of his own. "Seriously, which would you rather do?"

"You couldn't have a reasonable answer for that," I said at a more normal volume.

"You have to answer."

"Um.. eat a cat? No! I can't," I said, laughing more. We were soon both letting out loud laughs. After a moment we were calmed down, both with smiles on our faces.

"You're really fun, Dan," he said, and it sounded genuine.

"You're pretty cool yourself," I said quieter, blushing. We sat there for a while, exchanging a few words regarding school and such. I learned he had a brother in college, and his dad was the CEO of some big company I couldn't bother to remember. I also learned about his particular liking to lions. He learned that I had a younger brother, who was about six years younger than me.

"Woah, it's already six o'clock," he said. "We've been here quite a while."

"Yeah, I should probably get going soon.." I said, slightly disappointed.

"Hey, let me give you my number? I'd love to hang out again," he said with his captivating smirk. How could I say no? I nodded and wrote it on a napkin, handing it over with a smile.

"Thanks. See you later, cutie," he said as he stood and left. God, this guy was going to kill me.

"Dan fucking Howel, get your arse out of bed right now," I was woken up by my mum yelling down the hall. I sat up slowly, getting a bit dizzy. Looking at my phone, like always right when I woke up, I saw a text from Phil.

_From Phil: Hey, want a ride to school ;)_

I smiled, happy he actually wanted to see me again.

 _To Phil: Yeah, if it's no trouble :)_ I texted him my address and began getting ready with my usual routine.

After my quick shower, as I had less time from waking up a bit late, I stood in front of my tall mirror. I couldn't see anything but fat. The fat consuming my thighs, the fat hiding my hip bones, and the fat covering my stomach. I was hideous. Then I heard my stomach growled. I couldn't be hungry. When was the last time I ate? It'll be three days ago if I can go without eating today, too. With my black jumper, black skinny jeans, and black soul, I grabbed my stuff and headed down stairs.

My mum was, of course, reclining with a glass of wine, the empty bottle next to her, and a recorded soap opera on the T.V.

"Good morning, disappointment." She said the first part quieter than the second, trying to emphasise how much she hated me.

"Morning, mum," I mumbled, not in the mood to talk to her.

"What did you say? Don't fucking mumble you fag," she said as she rose from her seat to cross over to me.

"I s-said, morning, mum." _Wham,_ a hard slap across my face. It was harder than usual, and I almost fell over.

"Don't mumble again." And with that she fell back into her recliner, lost in her wine and T.V. I shook my head, rubbing my cheek as I stepped outside to wait for Phil.

My head shot up when I heard a horn honk. My eyes were met with a blue fringe and the brightest yet deepest blue eyes I've ever seen. I was lost in his beauty, not believing someone could be this attractive. His lips were looked so soft and luscious, almost as inviting as his eyes.

But my thoughts were interrupted by the harsh yell of my mother's voice.

"Daniel, what the fuck are you doing?! Why aren't you gone yet. _Oh shit._ I held up my finger to Phil, telling him to wait a minute before I ran up to the house and met my mum in the doorframe.

"Sorry, mum, Phil came to pick me up an-"

"I don't bloody care, stop being such a fucking distraction. I've got better things to do than think about my faggot son," she said slapping me once before and after she spoke. All I did was nod, slumping off to meet Phil in his car.

"I-I'm sorry, Phil, my mum wanted something." I could tell by the confusion and disbelief on his face he had heard and didn't believe me, but seemed to brush it off for a moment anyway.

"Nah it's alright. Have you eaten yet?" _Of course I haven't, have you seen how fat I am?_ I wanted to say, but just shook my head.

"Good, I was thinking we could grab some breakfast before school. _Shit. shit shit shit._ I couldn't use the excuse that I'd already eaten, I just told him I hadn't. I couldn't think of how to get out of it. My mind was swimming with worry. _I can't eat, I can't eat, I CAN'T._

"Hey, Dan, are you okay?" I was taken out of my thoughts by Phil's seemingly worried voice. I nodded and he started the car, continuing down the road. In no more than ten minutes we had reached a fast food restaurant that I had never been to.

"Come on, slow poke," Phil said as he came around to my side of the car and opened my door. It was a simple and polite gesture, but it made me blush anyway. _Jesus, Dan, it doesn't mean anything, he's just a polite guy._

"Thank you," I said quietly as I stepped out. I held the door for him when we reached the entrance and he led me to the line. _So many calories. There's too many calories. What the hell can I get that doesn't have so many calories._

"What do you want?" Phil said as he turned to me.

"Um, just uh, a muffin and a water is fine for me." I always hated ordering at restaurants. It made me feel fatter and I always got anxious.

"You sure that's all?"

"Um yeah, I-I'm not too hungry in the morning," I lied.

"Okay. Do you want to go find us a seat while I order?" I nodded and did just that. Sitting in a booth in the corner of the small establishment, I took in the people around me. There was an older couple enjoying each others company with coffee and a newspaper. Entering were two people that looked like they were from my school holding hands, so I guessed they were dating. In another corner there was a business like woman who sat at her laptop with a coffee and a half a muffin, having already eaten the other half.

"Alright, here we are," Phil said as he set the tray down and slid into the seat across from me.

"Thank you," I said, hesitantly grabbing my food. I looked at Phil who had a coffee and some kind of breakfast sandwich. He seemed so content, like there wasn't a single problem in the world. Not seeming bothered by the number of calories in what he was eating, Phil took a bite out of his sandwich. _Why would he be worried about the calories in it? He looks perfect, not fat like you._

"Are you okay, Dan?" Phil snapped me out of my daze.

"Oh, uh yeah, sorry just lost in thought," I said.

"It's alright. What're you thinking about?"

 _You._ "Um, just thinking about school, and homework, and stuff.."

"That doesn't seem like the ideal topic to contemplate during breakfast," he said jokingly, sporting a cheeky grin.

"Heh, I guess not," I replied. Looking down at my muffin, I realised I would have to eat it, at least half, for him to not pester me about it. I hesitantly tore a piece off, closing my eyes before placing it in my mouth. It tasted so fluffy, so good, so _indulgent._ I couldn't stop myself from eating more, until it was almost entirely gone.

 _God, what have I done._ I could soon feel it making me fatter, could feel every calorie adding fat to what was already there. I tried to take a drink to wash it down, but of course I couldn't keep from fucking everything up. As I went to grab my cup, I accidentally spilling it all over Phil. _God Dan, you finally find someone that wants to talk to you and you fuck it up. Typical._

"Woah, hey, I've already showered today but thanks anyway," Phil said, laughing as he went to grab a napkin.

"Oh god, I'm so sorry, Phil. Jesus, I'm sorry I didn't mean to fuck it all up," I said frantically, grabbing more napkins.

"Woah, calm down, It's alright. It's just some water, it'll dry out." He said. I looked at him, and I'm not sure if it was the look in his eyes or the tone of his voice, but he seemed so reassuring. I just nodded, sitting back down and looking down at the crumbs that were left of my muffin. _I need it out, out NOW._

"Um, I'm gonna um, go use the restroom, I'll be right back," I said before getting up quickly. I scrambled to the bathroom, locked the door, and smashed the button on the hand dryer to block out the gaging. I fell to my knees, looking at my hand before sticking two fingers down my throat. I got a reaction immediately, feeling the saliva come up before my breakfast followed. I kept there until nothing more could come up, feeling pleased with the lack of stuff in my stomach now. With a piece of the mintiest gum I could find in my mouth, I exited the restroom, feeling much better.

"Hey, I figured you were finished so I went ahead and cleaned up," Phil said as I returned to the table.

"Oh, yeah, thanks."

"So, ready to go?" He said as he stood. I nodded and followed him to the car. The ride to school was calm and silent, and I spent the time to enjoy the songs on the radio and watch the world pass by through the window. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! How art thou doing? Sorry, I feel to repetitive saying the same thing every time. And also, sorry, this seems like a long chapter. I hope you like it anyway. I just want to ask, HoW aRe YoU dOiNg? Because I hope you are AMAZING, and if you are not, I want you to do WHATEVER it takes for your life to be as PERFECT and SPECTACULARLY AMAZING as you want it to be, got it? I hope you are well and stay well, and I want you to be happy, I mean it. So I love you, thank you, and goodbye! ^-^


	4. Chapter Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes at the end of the chapter :)

"I'm glad we've got the same homeroom and first period," Phil broke the silence as we arrived at school.

"Me too," I said truthfully, glad I had someone to talk to.

"I've got to go to my locker though," I said sadly, standing outside the school.

"I'll accompany you, if you'd like," Phil said. He sounded hopeful, and I couldn't help but nod. _What about the bullies?_ I thought. Oh no, they'll get Phil. Or they'll get me and Phil will just watch me being beat up like a pathetic loser.

"Dan, are you sure you're alright? You've been zoning out quite a bit?" Phil said. He had a hand resting delicately on my arm. _Oh god, he's touching me._ And his voice seemed genuinely worried.

"No, I'm sure I'm alright. Just lost in thought," I told him, beginning to enter the school.

We survived the journey to and from my locker without running into the asshats I saw everyday, silently thanking God I went another morning untouched. Homeroom was, as usual, boring and uneventful. It wasn't until Phil and I were on our way to first period that things got interesting.

"...I mean they're just so cute, I've always wanted a dog. They're such great companions AND, they won't eat your dead body like cats will." Phil was ranting about how much he loved dogs, and I caught myself smiling stupidly at his reasoning.

"Hey, look. That fag's found himself a faggy boyfriend as well," I heard from behind me. _Shit shit shit. Not now, please, God why."_

"What?" Phil said, clearly confused.

"Just go, Phil, you don't need to stay," I said quietly, watching the guys approach us.

"What do you mean?" Before either of us could say anything else, I was pinned the locker, the hand around my throat not loosening, and I didn't think it would anytime soon.

"What the fuck?!" I heard Phil shout, and managed to see him approach one of the guys behind the leader, who had me in a deathgrip to the lockers.

"Back off, you punk fag," he said, shoving Phil quite harshly to the ground.

"P-phil.." I managed out quite weakly.

"Aw, don't like it when we push around your boyfriend, do you? That's alright, we'll just give you his beating." He had a mischievous grin and I knew what it meant- I'd be going through hell in no more than five seconds.

 _Wham!_ There was a blow right to my lungs, cutting off any air I had. I couldn't breath, I was trying to suck in air but all the oxygen had disappeared.

"Oh my god, Dan!" I heard Phil blurt, but only managed to see him get pinned to the floor before I received a hard blow to the face. I swear I saw blood splatter on the lockers before I was dropped. That's when the kicks started, feeling like harsh stabs in the side, stomach, and face.

"Stop!" Phil yelled, but I couldn't see anything. My eyes were clouded with pain and tears, something I'd grown used to through years of daily beatings. I felt a few more hard blows to my mid section before he finished by raising me by my throat and punching me as hard as possible right in the face. No doubt I was bleeding, he dropped me and began wandering off, motioning for his buddies to follow along.

As soon as the guy holding down Phil let up, Phil kicked him in the stomach. God I wish he wouldn't have done that. The guy didn't respond as harshly as I thought he would, thank god, but did land a harsh blow to Phil in the stomach, causing him to double over. After a minute of Phil collecting himself, he hobbled over to me, leaning down and placing a careful hand on my shoulder. I was sitting up, just barely, slumped against the lockers.

"I-I'm sorry, P-Phil," I muttered out, barely able to speak from all the pain and the pressure that had been on my neck.

"What, why on earth are you sorry? You just got brutally beat up, we need to clean you up." He seemed so worried, his eyes wide but brows furrowed. I didn't bother to protest as he gathered me in his arms bridal style and took me to the restroom.

I was grateful no one was there, as I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, and I looked like utter shit. Phil grabbed some paper towels and dampened them, returning to me to dab up the blood on my face. My nose was bleeding, my lip was busted, and I had too many bruises to count. After some generous care to my bleeding face, he asked my permission before lifting my shirt to examine the bruises on my stomach and sides.

"God, I'm going to kill them for doing this to you," I heard him mutter. Why was he seeming to protective all of a sudden? "We should get this bandaged up..."

"In my bag, front pocket," I spoke quietly.

"What?"

"T-this happens quite a lot, so I've always got t-them." My throat burned when I spoke, but I managed to mutter out some words. Phil only nodded and pulled out the three rolls of bandages I had in my bag, using two of them on my stomach and sides.

"A-are you alright, Phil?" I asked timidly.

"Yeah, fine, why wouldn't I be?" He spoke as he returned the other bandage roll to it's place before returning his attention to me.

"Well, he h-hit you pretty hard, and I just uh wondered if you were o-okay, I guess." My voice somehow seemed to have gotten quieter as I spoke, but he heard me anyway.

"Oh, yeah I'll be okay. I'm just worried about you. Does it hurt?" It was a stupid question, we both knew it, but I nodded and he got some more damp paper towels to put on my face and sides.

"That should help a bit. Want to stay in here and skip first period?" I nodded, having done it quite a lot.

"Okay, that's fine. Do you want to talk about it? Or we can just chat, or sit in silence, whatever you want." His calm attitude helped calm me down, making the whole atmosphere seem better.

"U-um if it's not t-to much trouble," I started, having to stop to regain my breath, "could you get me some water?"

"Oh, yeah of course," he said, springing up and going over to his bag. When he returned he handed me a water bottle, which I took generously, and wasted no time quickly chucking half of it.

"Thank you," I said, now feeling a bit better.

"Yeah, no problem. I'm gonna kill those guys for doing this to you though. God, i still don't think you've stopped bleeding," He said, referring to my busted lip. The way his fingers were so delicately placed on my chin, so soft and like I was so fragile, reminded me of my ex. Of the way he made me feel small yet safe and protected, just by the gentle touch of his finger tips.

"Oh, t-this happens a lot, I'm used to it by now,"I said quietly. It was true; for the past three years I've been getting beat up, though this year was the worst. Probably because they were seniors and I was only a junior, so they wanted to enjoy their last year with me. But no matter how hard the beating, no one seems to ever notice or care. I'm pretty sure I've seen teachers even look away when the bully first grabs me, knowing what was to come and having a glint of fear in their own eyes.

"But you shouldn't be," he said angrily, pulling his hand away and standing. "No one should have to go through stuff like that, especially you." Wait, what? Especially me? God if anything no one deserves it but me. He was almost shouting when he said, "it just pisses me off to see someone as nice and innocent as you get treated that way." All of a sudden his fists made contact with the cubicle door, sending a crashing sound through the room and causing me to jump and then cower away.

I don't know if it was how my knees were not brought tightly to my chest, or the way I hugged myself so securely, or how my eyes were as big as the moon, but he suddenly softened and crouched down next to me. "Fuck, I'm sorry, Dan. I just hate seeing this happen." He sat down next to me, pulling me in for a sweet hug that could only be described as bliss. His arms were more secure and safe than any monster repelling blanket, and his smell was addictive, like shaving cream and smoke. He let go too soon, and I was about to deny his leaving before he spoke.

"If you don't mind me asking, why do they do this to you? They can't be doing it for the hell of it. God if they are it would only make it worse." The question made me think, and thinking made me shutter.

"I'm not really sure. I know there's some stupid reason, but I don't know," I said quietly, and probably unconvincingly. I knew exactly why. I knew why I've been bullied for at least two years. It's the same reason my dad walked out on us. He couldn't handle his son being a worthless fag, and I guess the kids at school couldn't either.

"Well they need to be taught a lesson. This is fucked up, I hate what they're doing to you." Phil's punkness was mostly shown just in his wardrobe, but when he was speaking now, his voice was low and intimidating. He sounded like he meant business, and I wasn't sure if I wanted to see that Phil.

"It's fine, I-"

"It's not _fucking fine,_ Dan!" These guys are beating the shit out of you for seemingly no reason. That isn't okay!" He was stood now, fists clenched, eyes narrowed. He looked like he would punch whatever was nearest to him, and right now that was me. On one hand, I could yell back at him about why they did it. I knew the reason, but I didn't know if I wanted to tell Phil. I'm sure he knows I'm gay, but it's unspoken between us, like he already knows and the subject is just untouched.

Started by his near-yelling, I hugged myself tighter and moved over a bit. I didn't want to talk anymore. I felt like anything I said would see him off, and I didn't want to see him any more pissed off. Phil was usually a pretty happy-go-lucky kinda guy, but he suddenly seemed like my worst nightmare.

He must have noticed my sacred state- eyes wide, mouth clamped shut, arms wrapped around me as tight and secure as possible- as his fists unclenched, his eyes softened, and he returned next to me. I flinched a bit when he put his hand on my knee, but started to relax when he began tracing circles on my jeans with his thumb. The gesture was simple, but it helped me relax a lot. It seemed to always work when I was dating- oh. Phil reminded me so much of him. Blue eyes- though his were more electric and Phil's were softer- same jet black hair, and a smile that could cure cancer.

"Hey, I'm sorry. I've just got a bit of a short temper, and those guys are really pissing me off. I really hate to see you hurt like this. That pretty face of yours doesn't deserve anything but to be held and kissed like the world was ending." The way he said it was so casually, yet suggestive. _Was he saying he wanted to do that with me? Or to me? Was it a compliment?_

I was slightly sad when he retracted his hand from my knee to check the time, which also made me sad, as there was only two minutes until the bell for the send of second hour would ring.

"Well, sorry I've gotta run off now. But school demands to teach me about the pointless arithmetic I will never remember or use, and not the meaningful rules of life like taxes and other adult things." He spoke quickly and clearly, like he had rehearsed the speech a hundred times. "You okay to stay in here and get to class?" He said, stopping a few feet away from the door.

"Yeah, I'll be alright." He nodded and returned over to me for a quick kiss on the cheek, which made me blush extensively. He smiled and left with a small wave. It wasn't until he left I let out a breath I didn't realize I was holding. He made my heart beat faster yet he took it away at the same time. I wasn't sure what I felt, but it was something strong. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Not much to say here. I just hope you are all doing well, that you are happy and healthy. If you ever want to talk or chat for any reason, know I'm always open <3 Anyway I hope you are doing good and are happy, if not, keep going, because it will all be worth it. It might not be now, but you have no idea what the futures holds for you. Enjoy today and live for tomorrow.  
> Also, please please please let me know what you think of this story so far. I love criticism and it would just mean so much to me to hear any kind of opinion you have. I would greatly appreciate any comments about anything I did wrong- could improve/ did well on. Anywho, I love you, thank you so much, and goodbye! ^-^


	5. Chapter Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See end of the chapter for more notes :)

As soon as I got home I noticed my mum was not home. She was usually out at bars, drinking and hooking up with random guys at night, so I enjoyed the peaceful silence of the house. I walked up the abnormally steep stairs to my room, closing the door behind me and sliding down it until I hit the floor. With my back flush to the door, knees brought tight to my chest, I buried my head in my knees.

I felt as a few tears slipped through my eyelids and soaked my jeans. Before I knew it, there was a cascade of tears, my cheeks were burning, my heart was hurting, and my head was pounding. Why did this have to be so fucking hard and confusing? I didn't know how I felt about Phil, or what he thought of me. Does he like me? He couldn't. I'm the most disgusting and uninteresting person on the planet. But he kissed me today. He kissed me on the cheek. He must feel something for me. I couldn't help but scream- not ear piercing, but relieving. I was so damn confused about everything. I hated myself for letting him get to me.

My tears slowing, I stood and slowly opened my door, making my way to the bathroom. As soon as I stepped into the bathroom, my foot was met with a burning pain, and I couldn't help but cry out again. I flicked on the light switch to see shards of glass scattered over the floor. Lifting my foot, I saw a decent piece of glass, about the circumference of a normal glass, causing thick crimson blood to pool on the ground and cover my foot. The image made me want to throw up, but I maneuvered my way through the glass and sat on the toilet. With a wet rag, I winced and cleaned up the blood on my foot. I realized I couldn't do anything about the jagged cut in my foot before removing the glass, so proceeded to use tweezers to do so.

"Jesus fucking christ," I said shakily, as my hands slowly managed to get the glass. Luckily it hadn't gone too far, or the pain would have been excruciating. With one last wipe of the cloth, my foot was moderately cleaned and the cloth now stained a crimson red. Shakily standing and wincing from the pain in my foot, I walked to middle of the room, where an almost completely shattered wine bottle sat. I looked up to see a note on the remains of the mirror. The handwriting was shaky, just barely legible. No doubt my mum was drunk when she wrote it. When wasn't she drunk?

_Dear Fag,_

_Since you fucked up evrythin, I culled your father. He agreed to meat me, and maybee cum back. We mite be back in 2 days, if you haven't killled urself yet or if we havnt gone to Vagas. By the way, I didn't think you needed to luk at urself. You know you luk like a worthless shit, you don't need proof. Clean up the brokn glass by time I back._ (A/N: Bad grammar and spelling on purpose, to simulate the drunkenness, I'm not just really bad at spelling. Carry on)

On the one side, I was kind of happy she wouldn't be back in at least two days. But on the other side, I was fucking terrified she would bring my dad back. Pushing all thoughts from my mind, I blatantly cleaned up the the glass and hobbled off to my bedroom, holding one sharp piece of glass in my hand. _Just in case,_ I told myself as I hid it under my pillow. I moved to the bottom drawer of my dresser, displaying the few pastel sweaters I had. I loved the pastel colors, how calm and subtle they were. But I knew it wasn't normal for a male teen like me to like pastel sweaters, and that it would only make the bullying worse. So I kept them hidden, like a guilty pleasure.

Wearing only a pastel blue jumper and black boxers, I slid into bed, letting the final few tears fall before I slipped into a dark, unconscious sleep.

The one thing I absolutely hated most about my homeroom, was that everyone's birthday was written on the board. So yesterday, Sarah Wilber's name was written on the board, along with Kelly Parkins. Today, my name and my name only was in big bold letters, written neatly under the small font today's date. I almost stayed home today, as no one was home to tell me to go, but something drew me in. Or maybe someone.

As if reading my thoughts, I turned my head to the sudden noise of metal scraping tile as Phil Lester quickly pushed his chair out and bounded towards me. Before I could even blink, his arms were wrapped tightly around my waist, as if he never planned to let go. Sadly, he did, as he did I saw that his eyes were huge, and his mouth was formed into the biggest smile on the face of the earth. God, I loved him. Wait, no I don't...

"Why the hell didn't you tell me it was your birthday today?!" He practically yelled. I knew the whole class had heard him, and I knew they were staring at us. I didn't need to look around and see their eyes burning into my head and soul for any proof.

"U-um, I g-guess I didn't see a need to-"

"No need? Dan it's your fucking birthday, it's definitely a day to celebrate. Plus you're seventeen now, right?" Was I supposed to answer that? Before I even had the chance to, Phil spoke again.

"Oh my god, I have to take you out. You can't not celebrate your birthday, Dan. When was your last proper birthday?"

"Um, when I was six and couldn't tell an ostrich from a flamingo." It was meant to be a joke, I even chuckled a bit. But Phil had a shocked and almost serious look on his face. I knew I wouldn't be getting out of celebrating my birthday with him one way or another.

"Are you serious? You can't be serious. I haven't stopped having childish birthday parties. That's it, we are definitely celebrating your birthday." He looked so determined and excited, like it was his birthday.

"Phil, we don't need t-"

"Oh no, yes we do. You are coming to my house and we will spend the entirety of the day having the best birthday you never even thought possible. Got it?" Maybe it was the way his eyes were filled with excitement that not the saddest news would seem to put out, or maybe the way his voice showed the excitement his eyes couldn't fully express, but I broke.

"Okay." His eyes, if even possible, lit up even more, and his smile stretched from one pierced ear to the other. I couldn't help but let myself smile a little bit with how I had a cute punk boy getting excited over throwing me a birthday party.

"Great! Okay, I'll meet you at your locker at the end of the day," all of a sudden his face turned serious, though he seemed to be trying to hide his smile, "and do not try to bale. I know where you live, so if you bale I'll come over and drag you to mine for a party." I couldn't help but smile a little more at all he was saying.

Okay, Phil," I said at a more normal volume. He smiled again before the teacher came in and told everyone to sit down.

 

The desks were turned to make groups of four, totaling to eight groups of four teenagers to work on the history assignment. As always I was, against my will, paired with three people who didn't give a shit if I was even alive, much less if I participated in the assignment. We were given time to discuss the topic, but everyone was talking about other matters- who they hooked up with, who other people hooked up with, just sex.

I found my eyes locked on him _, Phil Lester._ I watched as he was focused in a different directed, away from the chatter of the rest of his group, face flat yet seemingly deep in thought. It wasn't until he began maneuvering his head in my direction that I looked away, not daring to meet his eyes. Instructions were given and I found myself watching him rather than listening to my group. His expression was flat for a moment as he spoke, until the corners of his mouth perked up into a small yet incredible, captivatingly perfect smile that could kill cancer- and me. His eyes followed suite, brightening as he spoke. There was nothing more perfectly beautiful that catching him in the moment, smiling and laughing in the perfect way he does.

It was sixth period and I was trying to get inside his head and figure out exactly what he was scheming. I didn't realize I was still staring at him until his ocean eyes met mine, and his smile turned into a smirk. And then he smirked. _Fuck,_ he smirked. My eyes widened a bit, and I felt my cheeks heat up before I looked down at the paper on my desk. Though I wasn't looking at him anymore, I could feel his eyes on me, the way mine were on him moments ago. I looked at the time and saw that there were only a couple minutes left in class, so I began to put everything away so I could leave as soon as possible. Phil would be going to his locker first, so I had time before he would meet me.

With the harsh sound of the bell ringing through my ears, I stood as others were exiting the room. As soon as I had made it beyond the classroom, I was met with my favourite homophobic bullies.

"Happy birthday, fag!" The biggest one said as he shoved me into the lockers harder than ever before. One more hard to kick to send a burning pain to my already bruised sides and they were gone, cackling like villains in a typical teenage bullying movie. Except I knew I wouldn't have a best friend to come and beat them up for me, and I sure as hell wasn't going to do it myself. I sat a moment before hauling myself up, feeling a bit light headed and dizzy, but brushing it off. l. Walking to my locker I saw that Phil was there, leaning with his back against it and foot brought up behind him, looking like typical punk. I smiled a bit, coming up to meet him.

"Hey," I said softly. His head sprung up at the sound of my voice and there was a smile on his face.

"Hey, birthday boy. Ready for the most fun of your life?" He brought his foot down and didn't wait for me to answer before taking my hand and pulling me with him.

"U-uh, Phil, what are we going to do?" I asked, almost tripping over my feet from the speed at which he was pulling me. He stopped for a moment to look at me with a smirk.

"Now if I told you, it wouldn't be a surprise, would it?" I shook my head before he smiled and continued to lead me through the school. We ended at his car, where he pulled the passenger door open and bowed, saying, "your carriage, sir." I couldn't help but smile at the effort and got in, watching him shut the door before running around the front and getting in the driver's side.

"Okay, you ready?" he said as he started the car.

"I can't really be ready for something when I don't know what's going to happen."

"Hey, don't be a smart ass." I chuckled with him as he pulled out of the school parking lot. It was quiet for a moment, the low sound of the radio being too only thing permeating through the silence. Phil hummed along to the tune as I looked down at my lap and fussed with the hem of my sleeves. I was getting kind of uncomfortable with how warm I was, and I would have loved to take my sweatshirt off, but I knew I couldn't.

"So, Daniel, how has your special day been so far?" I thought back to the night before, finding my mum's note among shards of glass, and the bullies after class. It made me cringe a bit, but I answered, "just as a normal day." He seemed to frown, unhappy with my answer. "Well that's no good. Looks like I need to turn that around." He had mischievous smirk on his face and, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't tell what he was planning. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyo! I'm sorry I'm so uninteresting I seriously don't even know if anyone even reads my stuff? I don't know, sometimes I feel like I'm talking to myself. Oh well... Anyway, what do you think of the story so far? Any kind of feedback would be amazing and well appreciated! Tbh, I'm always so scared to comment on peoples stories just to tell them that their stories are amazing and I have no clue why. ANYWAY, Stay in school, don't do drugs, do memes, and Be HaPpY! I know it's a tall order, but I want the best for you. I hope you are well, I mean it. You mean everything to me and others <3 I love you, thank you, and goodbye! ^-^


	6. Chapter Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See the end of the chapter for notes :)

"Okay, open your eyes," he said, and I could hear the excitement coating his voice. I slowly opened my eyes, letting them take a moment to adjust before focusing. I didn't see what I had expected, which was either an expensive restaurant I shouldn't be at, or a field in which he would murder me and dump my body.

No, I found myself staring at a grocery store. I wasn't disappointed it wasn't a fancy restaurant, but I was confused.

"Uh, w-"

"Just wait, and don't ask questions," he said before holding up a finger and jumping out of the car, closing the door and then running to my side and opening the door.

"Alright," I said skeptically, stepping out.

"Hey, I'm not going to murder you or something," he said with a chuckle. "Just trust me, okay?" The words made me sick. I've had trust issues since the last time I heard those words from the asshole that said them. Even so, I nodded slowly before he smiled and took my hand again, interlocking our fingers before hauling me into the store. I felt a rush of cold that send shivers through me and covered my skin in goosebumps before we entered the store, Phil dragging me off to the "party" section.

He stopped in front of a display of balloons, studying each one before secretly telling the assistant what he wanted. The guy nodded before turning and blowing up Phil's requested balloons. When he was done I saw what they were- a blue one with a giraffe that said "Happy 1st Birthday!," a rainbow one that said, "Happy Birthday," in a fancy italic font, and an Elmo one that said "Happy 7th Birthday." I laughed at his choices before took the balloons and looked at me.

"Hey, this is your birthday whether you like it or not, so you better except what I plan." He had a smirk painted in his perfect face and all I did was nod before he continued to a different isle in the "party" section. Here he handed me the balloons and picked up a couple simple yet sparkly silver party hats, bringing me to another section of the store.

"Okay, what kind of cake should we get..." I wasn't sure if he was talking to me or himself, so I remained silent. "Well?" He said after I hadn't answered.

"Oh, u-um, I'm not really a cake person..." I said. I couldn't eat anything, much less cake.

"Oh. Well, what do you want?" He turned away from the displays of cake, which just looking at made me sick, and looked at me. I looked down, feeling uncomfortable with his eyes fixed on me. "Hey, are you okay?" he said, stepping closer and putting his hand on my shoulder. The excitement in his voice had dropped and was replaced with concern and care.

"C-can we j-just..." I trailed off, not knowing exactly what I wanted or what to say.

"Hey," he started, carefully lifting my head up. His face fell when he saw my eyes watering. God I'm so pathetic. "Hey, hey don't cry, what's wrong? I don't want you crying, especially not on your birthday." I shook my head, wiping the forming tears from my eyes. "Was I pushing you? Do you want to go?" He said, seeming more concerned.

"N-no, no, you didn't do anything. I j-just, I don't know..."

"Hey, it's okay. Do you want to sit down?" I nodded and let him lead me to a bench, where we sat down in silence for a moment. After a bit of time to compose myself, I finally spoke.

"H-hey, Phil?"

"Yeah?" He said, immediately withdrawing his attention from his phone.

"Um, what else did you have planned?" He smiled before taking my hand and pulling me off the bench. "Well, I need to pay for these, and then we can have a party." He said as he took me to a self scanning register. After he payed for the items we headed to his car, where he again opened my door and shut it after I entered.

"So, Daniel," Phil started moments after we pulled out of the parking lot, "what was your favourite part of birthdays as a kid?" I had to think for a minute, as I couldn't remember much from when I was a kid. It had all been clouded over by newer memories of my mom hitting my everyday and my father leaving after seeing me with- oh. I couldn't stop thinking about him, with his intimidating yet captivating electric blue eyes, and his lips, _god_ his lips. How they were almost always on my mouth or cheek or neck...

"Dan?" Phil said, interrupting my thoughts. "You okay? You seemed to zone out."

"Oh, I'm sorry. Lost in thought I guess..." I said, looking down.

"No worries. Do you have an answer though?"

"Oh, um," I thought a moment more before answering. "Probably the morning, when my mum would always come into my room and wake me, and my dad would bring me breakfast." I said, smiling a bit at the memory, but cringing knowing how much it had changed.

"Sounds nice. But, as it's not morning and I am not your mum, what else?" He said with a bit of a chuckle.

"Um, sometimes she would let me skip school."

"We've already been to school." I was running out of birthday activities.

"Um, I'm not sure, we never did too much for my birthday. After my parents stopped throwing me parties, I always had a b-friend to celebrate with," I said, trailing off at the end. A while after my parents stopped throwing parties, I had my boyfriend to celebrate with. It was only for two years, but for each birthday he would skip school with me and bring me to his house while no one was home and we would bake a cake together. Vanilla with strawberry icing, rainbow sprinkles, and candy letters that said "Happy Birthday." It was pretty simple, but nonetheless amazing. Especially the second, and last, birthday I had with him. After eating the cake and watching a movie, he brought me into his room. We laid down for a minute, just talking, before we were kissing. We were kissing and kissing and one thing led to another, and it turned into sex. But it wasn't amazing and loving like I had hoped or thought my first time would be. It was rough and hot, and the tipping point for when things started to get bad.

"Well, I guess we'll have to start our own tradition then, huh?" He said as we pulled into his driveway. I just nodded as he ran to my side of the car and opened the door. I swung my leg outside, which I must have done too quickly, as my head spun a bit. I brushed it off as I hopped down, only to fall to the ground. I didn't hear what Phil said before my blurry vision turned pitch black and the sharp pain in my head turned into nothing. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yaay, Hi! Sooo what do you think? I haven't got anything to say, so, tell me about you. Tell me about your day, your dreams, your aspirations, what you aspire to be. I hope you are doing PHANtastic (I can only make that joke once). But seriously, I hope you are well. I hope you aren't ill, and if you are I hope you get better soon. All good things and happy thoughts, and if not, do whatever you can and need to to get there. Look at pictures of cute kittens or dogs all day, or cute pictures of lizards. Talk to someone- anyone- about anything and everything. The world is your oyster, and you are the beautiful pear inside (did that sound poetic/make sense?) So have a wonderful day and night, I hope you are well, thank you and goodbye! <3 ^-^


	7. Chapter Seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See the end of the chapter for notes :)

"... Isn't there something you can do to make sure he wakes up?" the voice sounded angry, yet was sprinkled with sadness. It was a tone I had never heard from Phil, and it made me sad. Why was he talking like that? And what was he saying? Who was he talking to"

"I'm sorry, sir, there is nothing we can do. We've had the tube hooked up to him for three days now, and we've taken all the drastic measures we can. I'm terribly sorry, but I can't do anything more." The female voice said kindly yet sadly. Why did everyone sound so sad? And who were they talking about?

"Okay," Phil said, sounding defeated. "Okay, thank you." His voice was almost a whisper. I heard the squeak of a door open and a low _clank_ as it closed. It was silent for a moment before there was a loud and metal-filled clash. I would have jumped, but for some reason I couldn't. It was then I realized I couldn't move at all. Why can't I move, or open my eyes, or talk? What's going on?

"God dammit," Phil said, the last word being a clear shout. His angry-sad tone was kept though as another metal-filled clash rang through my ears. I hated the sound, but obviously couldn't do anything about it. "I knew there was something wrong, I _knew,_ and I didn't do anything. I could have helped you, Dan. I could have fucking helped you and I didn't. I'm so sorry." His angry tone faded the more he spoke, turning into complete sadness. I wanted to tell him it was okay and ask him what the problem was. What's going on?

"Can you hear me, Dan? Can people hear everything around them when they're in a coma?" _Wait, am I in a_ _coma?_ I must be, what else would he be talking about. "I hope so. I really hope so," he said, trailing off. It was quiet for a moment, as if he was waiting for me to answer. And then he took my hand, squeezing it tightly before speaking. "You fainted due to malnutrition. When you fell, you hit your head pretty hard. The impact mixed with your state sent you into a coma. They said there's a pretty high possibility you're anorexic... Why didn't you tell me, Dan? Why didn't you let me help you? I thought there might be something wrong, but you said no and I didn't want to pressure you. I'm so sorry, Dan. I'm so fucking sorry." Why was he apologizing? There's nothing he could have done, and I never would have told him. There's nothing really wrong with me. They're all just over exaggerating.

"Promise me you'll wake up, Dan? I need you. I want to help you, I want to make you okay..." he said, laying a kiss on my hand. _I'm trying,_ I wanted to tell him. _I just don't know how._

 

* * *

 

 

It's been almost two weeks, I think, that I've been in a coma. It's hard to keep track of the time when you're in a fucking coma, but I manage. I didn't think it would last this long, and by the sound of it, neither did the doctors and nurses. I guess my brain is just too fucked up to handle a little fainting and a hard hit to the ground. But maybe it's a sign, a sign I shouldn't wake up. That the world would just be better off without me, and to just stay asleep until they pull the plug.

Phil and different nurses keep telling me it's my choice if I want to wake up or not, and I can just drop it all or wake up. But I don't know what they mean, or how to make the choice. I don't even know what I want. Do I really want to die? What about Phil? Is he really worth it? I've had two weeks to think about it, but I still didn't have an answer. Phil has been in my room everyday after school, very rarely leaving my side. He sits and holds my hand, talking about school and stuff, occasionally kissing my hand or forehead.

It was the quivering in his voice as he said, "it's okay to let go. You can let go, Dan," that I knew I didn't want to. I didn't want to let go. I had to do it for Phil. I would take brutal beatings from my mum everyday to stay here for Phil. I don't know how, but I have to wake up. _For Phil,_ I thought.

 

* * *

 

 

"-and we got to choose partners for the project. I wish you could've been there," he said, taking my hand in his. I had been waiting for this moment since earlier this afternoon, when I realized I was staring at the door to my hospital room. He had a loose grip on my hand, so I wiggled my hand a bit and tightened my grip.

"D-Dan?" I slowly opened my eyes to see Phil staring at me with a look of bewilderment and a bit happiness. His eyes were wide and unblinking, his mouth opened only a bit in awe. My throat hurt and I knew my voice would be hoarse and crack, but I managed to try and speak.

"H-He-"

"Dan!" I didn't have time to finish before Phil had his arms wrapped around my neck, holding me close, and his lips were on my forehead. "I'm so happy that you're up, Dan. So happy," I heard his muffled voice say as his head was on my shoulder.

"M-me too," I managed. Was I happy thought? I mean Phil seems happy, but other than him, what else do I have to live for? My mum beating me everyday for being a useless fag? And then I remembered my dad. There was no doubt my mum had my dad at home now, and he would just be another person to beat me senseless. Is Phil worth it? I hope so.

"I'm going to go get the nurse, okay? I'll be right back," Phil said, detaching himself from my neck. I nodded and watched him almost run out of the room. _For you, Phil._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I ended this chapter at a bad stop I'm so sorry. I just couldn't end it anywhere else without making it too short or too long. I'm also still trying to get used to AO3 so bare with me; there's a lot of technical things I'm trying to figure out haha. Anyway, Hi! How are you doing? What was the highlight of your day, the absolute best thing that happened? Whether it was the clothes you wore that made you feel good, or the way someone looked at you or something someone said, there's a little good in everyday. I don't want to ramble too much more, so I'm just going to say you're amazing, you're worth everything and more. I hope you have/had a wonderful day and night. <3 Thank you and goodbye! ^-^


	8. Chapter Eight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See the end for the chapter for notes :)

I took the time alone to look around. Everything wasn't all white like how you hear they are in hospitals. There were sky blue walls with puffy white clouds, reminding me of the movie _Toy Story._ The sheets of the bed I was in were a minty green, and the hospital gown I wore was white with mint green polka dots. To my right was a machine with a monitor displaying my heart rate. There was an IV in the crease of my elbow, and some kind of tube going in to me.

It wasn't until I tried to sit up that I recognized the throbbing pain in my head. It felt like a magnitude one-hundred earthquake in my head. I fell back down, admitting defeat against the pain. It was just as I closed my eyes that Phil came in with the nurse.

"Hello, Daniel," she said. She was a small woman, probably around 5'5, and no doubt young. She didn't have a single wrinkle or blemish, not even a freckle. She had no makeup except some nude lipstick, and her hair was pulled back in a tight bun, secured with a light blue bow.

"H-hi," I said, voice still hoarse. Phil came and sat by my side, taking my hand.

"How are you feeling?" She asked sitting in the chair on the opposite side of my bed. She had a warm southern accent that highlighted her polite manner.

"My head hurts, and throat." She nodded, saying I'd be receiving some pain medication.

"Do you remember anything that happened when you fell, Dan?" I had to think for a minute before I remembered my birthday- or what it was supposed to be- with Phil.

"Um, k-kind of. We got to Phil's house, and I felt a bit lightheaded but brushed it off. As soon as I got out I fell, and that's all I remember."

"That's good, thank you. When you fell, you had passed out. When you hit the ground, your head hit the concrete pretty hard. We had to bandage you up, and you were in a coma," she explained.

"Oh," was all I could say. How are you supposed to respond to something like that. I heard a sniffle beside me and looked to see Phil wiping his nose on the sleeve of his hoodie. I hadn't noticed it before as he had been a leech attached to my neck, but it was my favourite of his hoodies. It was a lighter dark green, sitting perfectly on his shoulders and not hugging his form tightly, but enveloping him in a warm hug of cloth. "But, why did I pass out?" I inquired, though I was sure I knew the answer.

"Malnutrition. You had a lack of nutrients and your body could no longer support you. Which leads to another series of questions." She gave me a look, as if asking if she could continue, and I nodded hesitantly. Phil squeezed my hand a bit more before she asked the first question. "Dan, how are your eating habits?" _NO, I change my mind, I don't want to talk about this. I'm fine._

"Um, I don't know, fine I guess," I lied.

"Dan, d-"

"It's alright, Mr.Lester. I would just like Dan to answer the questions with his own opinion and perspective, if that's alright." If spoken by anyone else, the words would have sounded sassy and confronting. But she was so polite that she could have insulted him and it would have sounded like the sweetest compliment a person had ever heard. Phil nodded and she asked me another question.

"How many meals do you eat a day?" _Zero._

"At least two, three if I have time for breakfast."

"Do you think you eat fairly healthy?" _Not at all._

"Yes."

"Do you like your body? Do you feel comfortable in it?" _Absolutely not._

"Mostly."

"Have you ever deliberately harmed yourself?" _Maybe once..._

"No."

"Dan, could you please tell me the truth?" _What was she talking about?_ "People do not pass out from malnutrition because they eat right and healthy. Can you please answer my questions honestly?" _Fuck._ I nodded despite her, and she smiled a bit more politely before looking down at her paper and back at me.

"So, how are your eating habits?"

"Um..." Phil nudged me a bit when I didn't answer to get my attention. I looked at him, and he stared back at me with pleading eyes. He looked like a kid who had just lost his mother, praying his father with his eyes to bring her back. I sighed and turned back to her. "Not very good, I guess," I answered slowly."

"How many meals do you eat a day?"

"Zero."

"Do you think you eat fairly healthy?"

"...Not particularly," I said after considering lying. I knew what I was doing wasn't "healthy," but what was SO bad about it?

"Do you like your body?"

"I don't love it."

"Have you ever deliberately harmed yourself?"

"No," I lied. She gave me a look that said she didn't buy it, but nodded before scribbling something on her paper, flipping a few pages before scribbling some more in her illegible doctor writing.

"Okay, I'll be back in just a moment," she said before standing and exiting the room. It was silent for a moment before I heard more sniffling, looking over at Phil. His cheeks were flushed read, stained with tracks of tears, and his eyes were red and puffy, his blue ocean pupils overflowing with salty ocean tears.

"Why didn't you tell me, Dan. I could've helped you."

"W-what do you mean?" I said, reaching up to wipe away his tears. He swatted my hand away before jumping out of bed.

"Stop bullshitting me, Dan," he nearly shouted. "You know exactly what I'm talking about. Why didn't you tell me you hated yourself so much? Why didn't you tell me you starved yourself? Why didn't you let me help you, Dan?" His voice broke when he said my name, and he brought his hands up to hide his face before I heard muffled crying.

"Ph-Phil, I-"

"No, Dan," he said, wiping his eyes and holding back more tears. "I'm going to go clean up." His voice wavered, and I knew exactly what he would end up doing. He was going to find himself in the dingy public bathroom, coiled up on the ground with his face buried in his knees. He's going to have tears pouring from his eyes, and his breath is going to be small huffs in between sobs. I've found myself in that state too many times to count, and I knew I couldn't keep Phil from finding himself there before he was out the door. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyo! I'm really running out of stuff to say... so like walruses, am I right? heh... heh... okay, I'm sorry. Bad day + zero creativity (says whilst writing like three stories at once) = for boring authors note. So, Have a WoNdErFuL dAy because YOU DESERVE IT. Some people have no idea how much of an accomplishment it is to just live and stay alive. So blue ribbon for you, because you're fucking doing it. And I'm not saying that those how can't are lesser or something- absolutely not. It's different for everyone, and you never know what they're going through. So have a good day, wish one to someone else, compliment someone, make them feel good, because you will to (why did that seem sexual?). So thank you and goodbye! ^-^


	9. Chapter Nine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See the end of the chapter for notes :)

An hour and a half later, I had a sheet of paper and two pill bottles in my hand. The paper stated that I was anorexic, and I would need to be seeing a dietitian. The pills were for pain and something to do with keeping my nutrient levels up, though I wasn't listening when the nurse instructed me on their use. Phil had come in to check on me, but said he'd be waiting outside when I was done. He had still seemed so broken, his cheeks permanently red and his eyes unforgiving.

With black skinny jeans and Phil's green hoodie on, I checked myself out with the friendly nurse and made my way outside. I pushed open the heavy glass doors, having them push back on me as I tried to exit. I was immediately greeted with a frosty gust of wind, cold enough to made my nose twitch and toes curl with it's bitter temperature. I blew my warm breath into my hands before shoving them into the pocket of the hoodie, attempting to keep them warm. I could feel my cheeks blushing and nose resembling rudolph's as the cold engulfed me in it's icicle kisses and snowflake hugs.

My head snapped as I heard a honk, my eyes soon meeting a pair of ocean eyes, no longer crying ocean tears but glazing over with cloudy ice. I smiled and found my feet trampling the cold concrete beneath them to bring me to Phil faster. Before I knew it, me rosy cheeks were warmed with Phil's warm arms around my neck, my own snaking around his waist.

"Hey, Dan?" he mumbled into my hair, which was curling from my lack of showering.

"Yes?" I responded, pulling away a bit to look at him. His eyes hid his remaining pain behind the clouded ice, but I could see it poking through his painted excitement, though not entirely fake.

"Let's go," was all he said before pulling me into his car. I hated his car, as it required me to grab the handle hanging from the ceiling and hoist myself up. Once inside, I felt the snowflake hugs melt away and get replaced with fiery wisps that wrapped me up and took me further down.

"I'm going to stop to get something to eat, okay?" Phil said as we pulled out of the parking lot. I was tempted to lie and say that I wasn't hungry, but I was in a coma for so long and... well, yeah, I was hungry. I nodded, unsure if Phil could see me, and let myself get lost in silence for a moment.

"What was it like to be in a coma?" Phil said, hands on the wheel and eyes still focused straight ahead. I couldn't tell if he was trying to make small talk to rid us of awkward silence, or if he was trying to find out if I could hear him while I was out.

"Um, interesting, I guess. It was tiring," I said, deciding to add, "I could hear everything around me. It was like I was awake, I just couldn't see or move." I turned back to see him nodding slowly, possibly processing that I had heard everything he said.

Moments later he was pulling into yet another restaurant I wasn't familiar with. I hesitantly stepped out of the vehicle, being closely watched by Phil, and let him hold the door open for me. As I stared at the menu, my mind and body contradicted each other. _Too many calories, you don't need anything._ _But he's going to make me eat, and I'm so hungry._ _Get the smallest and healthiest thing you can, and throw it up right after_. God, I hate myself.

"Does anything sound good? Or do I have to order for you?" He said it in a way that would have been joking if I wasn't anorexic, or, whatever.

"Um, I don't know. Just whatever, I guess," I said, fiddling with the sleeves of my hoodie. Well, Phil's hoodie. He must have sensed my nerves and uneasiness, because soon he was holding me close, placing small kisses to my forehead.

"It's okay," he said softly. "I've got you. It will be okay, I want you to be okay." I nodded and allowed him to order while I found us a small table to sit at in the back of the establishment. Looking around I noticed only two other parties of people, one being an older couple, probably late fifties, and the other being who I guessed was a mother and daughter, the mother seemingly young and single, and the daughter, though only looking around five, the spitting image of her mother.

The restaurant was covered in a red and white checkered pattern, the booths sporting red seats with a horizontal white stripe. I watched Phil order, hand the cashier the money, and step to the side to allow others to order. He pulled out his phone, smiling a bit at what was on the screen. And then, yet again, his ocean eyes met mine, and I was washed away by the smile he sent me.

A couple quiet minutes later, Phil slid into the seat across from me, setting a tray of food down on the table. There were two drinks, two orders of fries, a burger, and a salad. I watched as he placed the burger, an order of fries and one of the drinks in front of himself. He then placed the salad, other drink, and remaining fries over to me.

"Okay, salad, water, and fries, because who doesn't love fries, right?" His words were a bit rushed, almost worried, as he looked at me and said them. He seemed to be trying to lighten the mood, and I smiled weakly and said "thank you" before watching him unwrap his food. He was almost halfway done with his burger before stopping to look at me. He stared at me as I sat on my hands, looking at the food still in front of me. I had only taken two drinks of water, not touching anything else.

"Dan," Phil said. It was soft and gentle and I couldn't help but look up at him through my thick eyelashes.

"I-I'm sorry, Phil," I muttered. "I ju- I just can't. It's too much." I looked back down before I felt him scoot into the seat next, laying a hand on my shoulder.

"Dan," he said again, a bit firmer, though still not losing it's gentle incentive. I looked up slowly. "Do you trust me?" He asked, his eyes a vast ocean, almost begging.

"I-I don't- yes." He nodded and took my hand, pulling me toward the restroom. He pulled me in, turning and locking the door with a metal _click_.

"What are we doing here?" I asked, wrapping my arms around myself.

"Come here," he said, avoiding my question. I walked over to where he was in front of the uncared-for mirror, staring at him through it. "What do you hate most about yourself?"

"What?" I asked, looking back at him. _What is he doing?_

"What do you hate most about your body?" I thought for a minute. My pudgy stomach, and the way it always seemed to hang over my trousers? My fat thighs, and the way they always sway when I walk and rub against each other? My fatty arms and biceps, and the way they seemed to stretch the sleeves of any shirt?

"I-I don't know. My stomach, I guess."

"Why?" he pressed, placing his hands delicately on my waist. I wasn't sure if it made me more uncomfortable or eased me, but I let his hands stay there. _What is he getting at?_

"Um, I- because it's just... fat. It always hangs over my pants, and doesn't look right in any shirt." I said quietly. He moved his hands down until they reached the hem of his hoodie.

"Can I?" I knew what he was asking, and nodded slowly. His hands were soon slowly moving the hoodie up my stomach before it was over my head and on the floor.

"Dan," he said. I wasn't sure if he was disgusted by how fat I was, or by the cuts that lined my stomach and hips.

"I know, it's disgusting," I said, wrapping my arms around myself and hanging my head.

"No, Dan," he said, turning me to face him. "Why would you do this to yourself?" His voice wasn't heavy and angry, but gentle and almost hurt.

"I- I just," I said, unable to finish before my voice cracked, tears pricking in my eyes.

"Ssh, it's okay," he said as he wrapped his arms around me.

"I hate myself so much, Phil. I don't want to be like this."

"I know, Dan. I'm going to help you. But you have to let me." I nodded.

"I know, I- it's just-"

"Ssh, I know. I'll make it okay." I nodded again, letting him pull me into a comforting hug, my sobs getting lost in his shoulder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OoOOooHh things are happening and this is almost over! To whoever tf is reading this because I don't know if anyone is (rambles on about loneliness) how do you feel about that? What do you think is going to happen? ............
> 
> ...... Yeah so that's it... Idk man I'm drawing a blank, what's interesting to talk about? like MOOSE, wtf do I say? Anyway, I'm so sorry, I'm a mess. But I hope you have an outrageously amazing day, for all of the hard work you've done to keep yourself alive and running. Even if you've done a poor job, try to turn it around. Do whatever it is that will help you to achieve the happiness you deserve. I love you <3 So Thank you so much and goodbye! ^-^


	10. Chapter Ten

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See the end of the chapter for notes :)

"Dan? Can I ask you something?" Phil was coming back from the bathroom, cleaning up my mess.. I had managed to eat half of my food, and he was so proud of me, put once we had gotten to his house, my body just couldn't keep it down.

"Yeah," I nearly whispered.

"Was there a cause for.. This? Something that happened that drove you to it?" Oh, there was. I knew there was. But I didn't want to think about it. I didn't want to think about the lashing out, the words, the bruises. But I did. I let them all back in, a cascade of abandoned memories all piling on top of me. With tears starting to slowly fall down my cheeks and Phil's hand reassuringly tracing circles on mine, I nodded.

"Do you want to talk about it, bear? I won't push you to, but it might help. I took a second before I nodded.

"He was my first boyfriend. I had to hide him from my mom, because she hates me being gay- it drove my dad away." I sniffed back more tears as Phil waited patiently for me to continue. "I was fourteen, almost fifteen. He was a year older. I fell in love with him. His vibrant green eyes and soft lips- it was everything to me, all I cared about." I couldn't keep the silent tears from continuing to fall, moving down my cheek and falling onto both mine and Phil's hands, but he didn't seem to notice or mind. "It was great most of the time. He was nice and caring. We spent my birthday skipping school to bake cake and play games. My sixteenth birthday, we continued the tradition and made cake, and I was ready to spend the rest of the day eating it. But he wouldn't let me. He only let me have one piece, then said "you don't need anymore; it will only make it worse." I wasn't too sure what he meant then, but I'd always trusted him, so I just nodded and we continued the day. Then, as it got later, we were in his bed, just talking." The tears fell quicker for a moment as I relived the memory. Phil kissed me cheek, a silent gesture that it was okay. "It went from talking to kissing to making out to-" I didn't want to say it, and the caring and sympathetic look in Phil's eyes said I didn't have to. "But I hated it. It was rough and quick and nothing like what I thought or wanted it to be. And from there everything just fell." I let out a small sob, wiping the tears away quickly as if I could act like they weren't there. Phil rubbed more circles into my hand and I nodded before speaking again. "He took it as the indication and okay that he could use me- do or say anything he wanted and I'd still love him. Worse thing was, it was true. After the sex, he gradually kept telling me more and more that I was fat. That I needed to lose weight if he was ever going to love me right. I wanted him to love me- to love me the way I loved him." I said the last part though choked sobs and Phil kissed me lightly again on the cheek. "He'd use me the way he did our first time at least once week, getting rougher and rougher. Then one time I had tried to reject- had a bad day and wasn't up for it, I just wanted him to hold me close and love me. But the more I tried to deny and resist it, the angrier he got. Shouted profanities and told me I was fat and worthless before-" I let more quick tears fall "- before he punched me. Hard. Left a mark for over two weeks. And that was only the beginning. That gave him the notion that he could abuse me and he'd get what he want- so that's exactly what he did. Every time he saw me eat anything- and I mean anything- he punched me in the gut and made me throw it up- showed me how to." I let out a few more sobs, and I saw a few tears slip from Phil's eyes. "Every time he saw me talking to someone he hadn't told me to, he slapped me hard. Anytime he thought I was flirting with someone, he punished me a sexual way. But I couldn't take the hint that it was wrong. I thought he loved me just because he said he did and, god I-I was so wrong He didn't care about me for shit." I was sobbing now, tears falling like a waterfall. "But I loved him. God, I loved him so damn much." I took a minute before taking a deep breath and continuing. "About five or six months before I met you, he broke up with me. He had saw me out with a friend- female friend- having lunch. The next time he saw me after that, he beat the living shit out of me. I swear I couldn't breath right for a week, and I had bruises all over my stomach and sides. Shouted at me, calling me worthless, fat, stupid, fag. Told me to starve myself until I died. So I-I guess I tried to. It just all led up to this." I was numb and empty now, having let it all out. "But in a way, I guess it was worth it. I got to meet you, an-and you're probably the best thing that ever has and will happen to me."

"Dan, I-" I put my finger to his lips and shook my head. I didn't want to hear how sorry he was, or how it broke his heart that that happened, or that I "didn't deserve it." I didn't want to hear it.

"Bed now," was all I said. He nodded, letting me change in the bathroom, coming back to see him in flannel bottoms and no shirt while I had on long sleeves and flannel bottoms. I curled up in his arms, falling asleep to him whispering "I love you" in my ear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shorter chapter, I'm sorry, but you learn about Dan's history 0_0 Yeah His ex doesn't have a name cause I couldn't think of one ngl so ye. Also, the next chapter is the LaSt oNE ahhh. You'll have to tell me what you thought of it, because I was like really hesitant to post this and stuff cause it was/is a mess and I didn't think it would be good enough at all, so yeah any kind of feedback would be amazing and much appreciated! Still nothing to say, I'm sorry, I'm like the most uninteresting person ever. Just have and amazing day, try to smile as much as possible, but it's okay if you don't. It's okay to cry or feel down, just pick yourself back up and try again. Love you, thank you, and goodbye! ^-^


	11. Chapter Eleven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See the end of the chapter for notes :)

_Two Years Later..._

"Dan, wake up, bear."

"Phiiiiiiil, I don't want to go," I mumbled, pulling the pillow tight over my head.

"I know, bear, but you have to. It will be quick, and I'll be right by you the whole time." He was using my pet name because he knew it would ease me more. Cheeky bastard.

"Ugh, fine," I said as I removed the pillow from over my head. A breath of fresh air hit me, as I'd been breathing through fabric. Phil sat next to me on the bed, where I laid on my stomach. I knew I was being childish, but I was scared. It'd been two years since I woke up from my coma, two years since I committed to getting better, and I was nine months clean.

Today I was due for a physical and mental check up on my progress. I had done this same thing exactly one year before, except I was absolutely shitting myself and had about five anxiety attacks before and during the process. I was still scared, but Phil made it all better. As a flatmate of a year and a boyfriend of two, it's no wonder he does.

"Thank you, babe," he said as I sat up, kissing me on the cheek.

"I've made Delia Smith pancakes for breakfast," he told me as he put his arm around my waist and walked me down the hall.

"Thank you," I said meekly, though I wasn't feeling up to eating them. It wasn't that I was relapsing, or maybe I was, but I was nervous, and I can never eat under nervous conditions. I'd been better at eating, though it took a year to get here. I still occasional problems, but I'd had at least two meals everyday for a month. We've been keeping track of what I eat and how often I eat everyday for about a year and a half.

"Dan, you're going to be fine. It's just like last time. Just a quick physical, a few questions for both of us, and we'll be gone. We can get starbucks or bubble tea after if you want, anything, okay?" He said, trying to ease me. I just nodded and let him kiss me again before we sat down. There was a pancake with butter and syrup on it, and I couldn't help but feel sick. Why was I feeling like this all of a sudden? Was it just the nerves? Was it relapsing? Before I could ponder further, I was up and sprinting to the bathroom to throw up whatever I had eaten the day before.

"Oh my god, Dan," I heard Phil remark as he ran down the hall to find me bent over the toilet. "What's the matter? Have you been feeling ill?" he asked when I seemed to be done, putting the back of his hand to my forehead. I shook my head.

"No, I just, I don't know. I sat down, and I looked at my food, and I just felt sick..." I drifted off, trying to think of an explanation. The only one I could come up with was what Phil said next.

"Dan, be honest, do you think you're relapsing?" I had to think about it. Was I? I've been doing so good for so long, I couldn't be, right? "Dan, bear, can you answer me, please?" Phil pressed when I didn't answer after a minute.

"I-I don't know," I said, rising to my feet. I looked in the mirror, turning to my side and lifting my shirt. My stomach was flat, no longer caving in, the scars almost gone entirely. My ribs were barely visible, and my hipbones relevant. I couldn't tell what I thought about my appearance. Disgust? But about what? Did I think I was too fat, or too skinny? I'd had days where I was so disappointed with how skinny I made myself that I binged until it made me throw up. But I didn't think it was one of those days.

"Dan, baby," Phil said, standing up. "I don't think this is a good idea..." he proceeded to lower my shirt and turn me to face him, where he looked me right in the eyes. He seemed to be searching for something, for what I wasn't sure. Hate? Disgust? I wasn't sure. But what he asked next made my mind spin more and my stomach churn.

"Dan, are you okay?" Okay? Okay? I was going fucking mad. I didn't know what was wrong with me. Was all of this because of a stupid doctors appointment? Some stupid checkup? Am I so fucked up that a checkup I've been to three times before makes me physically and mentally sick? Before I could answer myself or Phil, I was balling and falling to the floor, Phil following me. I was curled up in his lap, him holding my hand and combing my hair with his fingers.

"Shh, bear, I promise it'll be okay. I'm with you every step, you know that. Forever and ever, I will be here with you," he comforted me, brushing my hair and whispering sweet nothings.

 

"Dan, baby, your appointment is in an hour, we need to get ready," Phil said. We'd been cuddling on the couch for almost an hour after my outburst, Phil continuously pushing me to eat something.

"Come on, Dan, please? You need to eat something, especially before this appointment. What would you like, you can have anything you want." I had shook my head, making him sigh. I could tell how frustrated and sad I made him, so I agreed on letting him make me some toast, which I still had only taken one bite out of.

"Okay," I mumbled, getting up so I could get dressed.

"And, Dan, you know I'm going to have to check your clothes for any extra weight, okay? It's not that I don't trust you, it's just, the hospital makes me, okay?" Phil asked.

"Yeah, I know, Philly," I said, smiling before walking off. I put on a loose t-shirt, loose because it was Phil's and I was a skeleton, and some black skinny jeans before straightening my hair.

"Okay, you're good. Thank you, Dan," Phil said after searching me clean. I sighed, hating that I had to do this. Phil must have noticed, because soon his arms were around my waist and I had my head nuzzled in his neck.

"I know you don't like this, bear, but if it goes well, it just might be the last one you have to do," he said, making me feel better. I nodded before he pulled away. "But, it can't go better if you don't eat your toast." I let out a breathy laugh before nodding and eating my toast, sending us out the door for my appointment.

 

"Alright, Mr. Daniel Howell, correct?" The doctor asked as he stepped into the room. He was different than my regular, being a tall and buff man with a husky voice and muscular forearms, with greeny-yellow eyes that uneased me.

"Um, yes," I responded. "I don't mean to seem rude, but, um, where is Dr.Nickles?" I questioned, wishing I had my normal doctor as I would be more comfortable.

"Oh, right, I'm sorry, he had a family emergency that he had to attend to, so I had to fill in. I hope that is okay?" I nodded before he said "Sorry for the inconvenience," and shuffled through some paperwork. I waited, sitting on the weird paper covered table all the doctors rooms possessed, Phil sat right next to me, holding my hand.

"Alright, let's get started shall we?" He sat in a tell wheely chair, stethoscope around his neck like every typical doctor. I nodded, a cue for him to begin.

"Good. Now I'm just going to have you step onto the scale here," he said, standing and gesturing to the scale in the corner. I looked at Phil, and all he did was nod and squeeze my hand, allowing me to hop off the table with him close behind, only letting go because it would mess up my weight.

"Alright, weight looks to be 144.6 pounds. That's an improvement. Last year at your last appointment you were at 121.9 pounds. That's a gain of 22.7 pounds." This statement made me want to throw up, knowing how much weight I gained in that time. I looked at Phil and he seemed to be able to tell, because he took my hand and led me back to the table, where I sat through the doctor checking my eyes, nose, ears, and reflexes.

"Okay, now that the physical test is over, it's time for the mental. I will have your normal mental specialist come in and finish you off. It's been a pleasure checking up on you today," the doctor said, shaking my hand and exiting the room. My doctors were always pretty late, one minute meaning thirty, so I enjoyed the time.

"How are you doing, bear?" Phil asked, pecking me on the cheek.

"I'd be better if you gave me a real kiss," I joked, earning a laughed and a loving kiss.

"But really, how are you doing?" he pressed. I didn't want to tell him, but I was so used to telling him everything that my mouth spilled my thoughts.

"I felt sick when he told me how much weight I gained..." I confessed, hanging my head.

"Bear, your weight gain is a good thing. It means you're healthy, and that you're improving," encouraged, rubbing my back.

"I know, I know, it's just, I don't know..." I said, not having the right words. After a moment of silence, I spoke again. "You know, two years ago when I went into a coma, my goal weight was ninety," I whispered, my voice barely being heard. I saw Phil's eyes widen, and I swear I could hear his heart break. I probably shouldn't have said it, but I did.

"Dan-"

"No, it's the past. I don't' want that anymore, at least I don't think so, so it's okay. I'm okay." Phil seemed hesitant, but he nodded and let it go, me leaning my head on his shoulder and us waiting out the next ten minutes.

"Hello, Daniel, nice to see you again, of course, not under the circumstances, but you are a delight," my specialist, Dr.Hathaway said, her northern accent music to my ears.

"Hello, Dr.Hathaway," I said as she took a seat.

"No, dear, call my Patty. I hope this will be our last meeting under these circumstances, so I wish it to not be so formal," she said. She had always eased me, being very open and welcoming. I nodded and let her continue.

"Now," she said, eyeing up Phil. "Do you have all of his charts and paperwork?" Phil nodded and handed it over, watching her flip through it.

"Nine months clean?" She questioned, to which we both nodded.

"Only one month with at least two meals?" She asked seeming disappointed.

"I-it was five, but, I was feeling down one day, and wouldn't eat anything, and ruined my streak..." I said meekly, ashamed of myself.

"That's alright, Dan, everyone has a bad day. I'm proud of how well you have done, and glad to hear it was only one bad day. Has the eating been doing well?" She said, the last part seeming to be aimed at Phil.

"Oh, uh, yes, it's been well. Only one bad day every once in awhile, but he's doing well," he said, looking at me and smiling, making me happy and blush.

"That's good to hear. How about the self-harm? Care to inform me on how it's been going since our last session?" I really didn't want to talk about it, as the time I relapsed was pretty bad, but Phil squeezed my hand and I knew I had to.

"Yeah, well, um, I was three months clean after my last session, and it was pretty good, but, then I had a really bad day- I wouldn't eat anything, I locked myself in the bathroom with a knife, and Phil was outside the door crying and begging for me to come out." My voice was just barely a whisper, my brain fighting with my mouth to let the words out. I wish Phil could tell it for me, but I had to tell everything from my perspective. "I was hysterical, crying and practically screaming. I couldn't stop, and I wanted it to end, so I took the knife, a-and," I felt like I couldn't continue, the words caught in my throat.

"That's okay, Dan, take as long as you need." Phil nodded, squeezing my hand and kissing my on the cheek to ensure I was okay. I took a deep breath and nodded before continuing.

"I-I cut myself. Not too deep, but, um," I held out my arms for her to see the scars, "good enough. Sixteen times on my arms and almost thirty on my thighs," I said, having to take deep breaths again to calm myself down. "It was awful. Phil wouldn't stop begging me to come out, and I was crying so much... after sitting there for almost an hour in my own blood and tears, I let Phil in. He wrapped me in his arms before noticing the cuts and crying harder- if possible. He wrapped them up and cared for me, cuddling me until I fell asleep and then making me talk about it the next day. He sat with me and made me talk about it with my therapist, and I've been pretty good ever since," I finished, wiping away a few tears.

"Well, sounds like a bit of a rough time, I'm sorry to hear. But it's good that you've picked yourself up and improved, which I'm glad to hear." She scribbled some stuff on her paperwork before continuing. "Has Dan seemed emotionally stable since our last session?" She asked Phil, to which he nodded. She nodded and wrote more stuff. "Has he been taking all of his medication?" Phil nodded, she wrote. "Has he been going to all of his therapist appointments?" Phil nodded, she wrote. This went on for about five minutes before she asked one more thing.

"Dan, do you believe you have recovered and are stable enough to be taken off of this treatment that we are currently keeping you on?" She asked. I had to think. Am I stable? Or am I going to relapse and fuck everything up? After a moment of thinking, I finally answered.

"Yes. I think I'm emotionally stable enough to stop the treatment." Phil squeezed my hand and smiled, while the doctor smiled and nodded.

"I'm glad to hear, Dan. Well, I guess that wraps up our session, and, though I will miss your bright eyes, I am glad we will not have to meet under these circumstances anymore," she said, standing to hug me.

"Thank you," I said. Phil nodded as to say goodbye as we exited the room. It wasn't until we were halfway down the hall that he finally spoke.

"I am so, _so_ proud of you, bear. You did it. I told you you could do it, and now you have. I'm so proud of you." He squeezed my hand, and for a moment all I could do was smile.

"Yeah, I am too. But it's all because of you. I did it because of you, Phil, all for you." _For Phil_ , I thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Sorry that was kind of long but) Ayyyee that's over now. I don't know, let me know what you think, because knowing me I'll decide three days later that I don't like it and delete any form of it's existence, so. But THAnk you for reading, I really hope you found it interesting/enjoyable, and if you didn't, I'm sorry to waste your time. But yeah it was fun to write and whatever so yeah, thanks <3 I really appreciate any time you spent to read this, and I love that you even considered reading it, so really, thank you so so much, it means a lot. I hope you have a WONDERFUL and AMAZING and HAPPY and FULFILLING life, because that's all I could ever hope for you, even though you deserve even more than that.But yeah, I guess that's it. Let me know what you think, have an amazing day/night, thank you SO so much, and goodbye! ^-^


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